I love the moments when there is a breakthrough with people. The people who trigger us the most wind up being our greatest teachers. They teach us who we want or do not want to be. They can create movement in our lives out of sheer envy or a source of inspiration that makes us realize we too can be "this or that".
Today, an email came through from an African American woman who is a participant in a spiritual workshop I am an assistant for. How ironic! The very woman who was now reaching out to me was the woman in the group who I triggered the most. During our first workshop I assisted (which I had been a participant of in the past) thought she and I would "compete" with one another. She wasn't sure she trusted me, etc. She didn't value what I had to say because I was "not the teacher". She expressed this during some exercises we did on our judgments of others.
The exercise goes like this:
We sit in a group and go around the circle confronting one another about our judgment of them. "I experience you as ______and it makes me feel _______? (emotive/emotional word).
When people initially do this exercise they believe these judgments are accurate. However, in time through the workshops you learn, our judgments and perceptions of others come from OUR REALITY/PERCEPTION of things. "One man's fruit is another man's poison" is what is revealed through this exercise. Not everyone sees someone the way you do. While in the workshop, all of this on the surface information becomes so transparent. At the end, we all read our life story. It takes 3 days to get through them all. Everyone is blown away by others stories. It explains so much about how a person now operates and their perceptions, values, etc. The shift in the group is one of non-judgment, but into a place of compassion. It is easier to recognize that we can all serve eachother through non-judgment and compassion in such profound ways.
Originally, she expressed a lot of anger about her life in the group. During her life story, she shared sexual abuse by a stepfather for years, growing up in very poor areas with lots of crime, racism, etc. She learned to be a survivor and disassociate from her real feelings. White people were (IN HER WORDS) "the enemy". Men depended on women for money. She hated white men particularly (not sure why when her stepfather was black too). Despite her upbringing she was determined to survive and make something of her life. She is now a Harvard Graduate and a very successful developer. The next workshop, we did the same judgment exercise. This time she surprised me, I was waiting for her to attack me verbally again. Although, she always asked "how is your grandfather" and was interested in hearing how I cared for my grandparents during tough times and all the family struggles around this. She looked into my eyes, "Michelle, you are someone I see as a very caring loving person. I see you like a sister and are someone I can trust, you are very intuitive." Of course, I loved it and realized she was developing more compassion and could see things from a more loving perspective. The anger must be dissipating.
Today, when I got her email, I quickly agreed to meet her at Starbucks. She was at a tipping point with her marriage. She was vulnerable to me (a new "white" friend)? This was huge that she could erase my color for a moment and see me as a helpful not hurtful (this is a very deep core issue with her). I could not be more flattered to be there. I know I am the girl for the job because those that trigger you hold the magic key to something that needs to be addressed inside of us! Funny, how I had always judged her as a very intuitive strong woman who I would really like to get to know. A few years back, I would have held my judgments as well about her.
Her marital situation was presenting her with some complicated issues: She is successful, he is in debt, she wants to travel, he can not afford to (he once was successful, but his spending habits and the economy changed and so did his financial situation, he is not keeping agreements they made, they do not share assets that are separated by a prenup. He wants to be on her deed and feels that she should include him in purchases - she asked him what he means, he has no answer". This triggers the hell out of her.
Remember, this lady is all about "SURVIVIAL" and anyone threatening that is going to trigger her defense mechanism. She learned not to trust her own stepfather and that men depend on women from the towns she grew up called Hustle and
The issues are not entirely spiritual issues, but daily issues that we face as couples. I let her know that it's like an alcoholic, if he chooses to keep spending although he is broke, let him do it on his tab. It's not your fault if he hits rock bottom. We all must take responsibility for ourselves. You can watch on the sidelines with wisdom and just keep your finances straight. What's there to argue about really? Arguing is a power struggle and all usually about control or manipulating another person to do things your way. You will ALWAYS be powerless trying to master this feat. If you clearly value different things and you can not come to some agreements or common denominators other than children,etc. You are co-existing and can 1) see it as a roommate situation, live your way and let him live his way (total acceptance - "it is what it is" or 2) take a leap of faith and stop" prostituting" yourself - yes "prostituting"!
Caroline Myss in her best selling book Sacred Contracts writes about the Prostitute Archetype: it's not about selling one's body for money, it comes into play more when our survival is threatened. How willing you are to sell yourself - morals, talents, integrity, intellect, your word, your body, your soul to survive, hang on to or please another. If you have faith in yourself, no one can buy you nor will you sell out. When you have believe in a higher power, you know you can take care of yourself and that the Divine is looking out for you. You will always be okay. Abundance comes in many forms, not just monetary. I am a testimonial to this personally.
We have a short period of time to fulfill our destiny. You can not control or change another. We all know the saying by now, “Accept the things we can not change and change the things you can". We all have our vices. So many of us are driven by our pain. When we transform ourselves we are driven by purpose that is not corrupted by our past. Let others learn for themselves what the high road for them. Some people just aren't ever going to go deeper nor are they meant to this lifetime. It's not your job to judge or play God. Life is so much easier when we relax, let go and trust.
Then came the breakthrough today, she said in tears without any of her usual rant of anger, "you are so right, I'm putting my judgments on him because these are my fears".
The one thing she did say is the common bond that keeps them close is her step daughter (remember what I mentioned about the stepfather abusing her). How profound is it that she would be presented with this loving opportunity. Is it possible through her step daughter she is healing her checkered past?
The final tidbit of spiritual advice I had for her is that "it is what it is". Accepting someone for who they are is the greatest gift you can give. That is REAL LOVE. However, ladies, I’m a strong believe in creating your own assets and protecting them ….love will not keep your head above water in this economy!
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